Friday, January 16, 2009

Artist Entry: the_Network guitarist Kev has a non-acid induced flash back

Digi likes to work backwards, what can we say. Here's the Kev's intro to the_Network's U.K. tour.

Nov. 14, 2008: Leaving for the U.K.

They’re now calling “priority passengers” to board our flight to Halifax where we’ll track down the minimal amount of equipment the fine folks at Air Canada allowed us to bring. Due to ridiculous charges and weight restrictions, we had to greatly reduce the amount of items we planned on bringing. Like a colony of fire ants, we sweated and shook while shifting equipment, clothing, and other bull shit into various bags and boxes, surely horrifying all in sight. We finally had all of our bags checked in right before the Air Canada employees’ forehead veins popped.

The flight was to stop in Halifax, Nova Scotia, where we’d reclaim our guitars, one amp, and our other belongings. Then, in a rationale world, we’d sanely glide all of our belongings from one mechanized highway to another before the great trip across the Atlantic. Instead, a “rationale” world became a breeding ground for snooty, face fucked men and women with homicides for haircuts. As one female extra from the "Toxic Avengers" movie informed me that my Marshall amp didn’t make it to this grandmother’s pussy of an airport. A Canadian pedophile informed Bennett that he wasn’t allowed in Canada, hence, couldn’t fly from Canada to anywhere -- especially London. Apparently, missing a court date in America, five or six years ago, is tantamount to collecting down syndrome semen for months, mixing the semen with Canada Dry ginger ale, freezing it popsicle-knife style, and violently penetrating the Canadian prime ministers pimply ass with it. After pleading and basically staring completely dumbfounded at the first-world idiocy these Canadians were blithering on about, Bennett had to fly home to Boston and the rest of us were on our way to London.

I’m sitting next to a nice guy from London named Soloman. He looks like someone who just flew to Nova Scotia to rape, torture, and murder a teenage runaway. I offered him some Tylenol PM’s, but he said that he’s already so full of meds that he thinks he’s been shrunken down and is in a tiny vessel exploring the innards of an Asian man. At first, I was thinking of asking him to switch seats with Bones but now I know that Soloman and I will become great friends. Years from now, we’ll send each other letters from mental hospitals reminiscing about the time we gave each other handjobs on an airplane.

“Bennett! Fuck my life! Come back to us!”

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