the_Network Announces US Tour with Australia's Robotosaurus

the_Network reveals plans to tour the eastern half of the US this fall with Australia’s Robotosaurus. Starting in Texas and ending in the_Network’s home state of New Hampshire, the tour includes shows with such bands as Strung Out, Rise And Fall, and Fight Amp.

No strangers to the road, the_Network has toured Australia, the UK, Puerto Rico, and the US, all within the past year.

the_Network’s second full length album, Bishop Kent Manning, is due out September 15 on Black Market Activities. Produced by Kurt Ballou (Converge, Trap Them), Bishop Kent Manning is a concept album that follows the epic story of a corrupt televangelist’s decline.

Oct 2 Austin, TX @ Red 7 (w/ Strung Out)

Oct 3 Houston, TX @ Moto Warehouse (w/ Dissent)

Oct 4 New Orleans, LA @ Dragon's Den (w/ Thou)

Oct 5 Birmingham, AL @ a storage unit

Oct 6 Charleston, SC @ Weekends Pub (w/ Nations)

Oct 7 Raleigh, NC @ The Brewery (w/ Rise and Fall, Bracewar)

Oct 8 Richmond, VA @ Nara Sushi (w/ Fight Amp, The Catalyst)

Oct 9 Philadelphia, PA @ Kung Fu Necktie (w/ Fight Amp, Rosetta)

Oct 10 Binghamton, NY @ The Downtown Quarterback (w/ Dance-A-Tron)

Oct 11 Brooklyn, NY @ The Charleston (w/ Mabus)

Oct 12 New York, NY @ Lit Lounge

Oct 16 Providence, RI @ The Sweatshop (w/ Krang)

Oct 17 Burlington, VT @ 242 Main St (w/ Ghosting)

Oct 18 Dover, NH @ The Brickhouse

www.myspace.com/thenetworkmetal

www.thenetworkmusic.com

www.myspace.com/blackmarketactivities

www.blackmarketactivities.com

Video of the Week: GAZA at Dudefest 2009

(Video credit: Joe Hammond)

Black Market Activities Reveals the_Network Album Details, Unveils New Track

Black Market Activities proudly reveals its next release: Bishop Kent Manning, the staggering second album by the_Network, out September 15 on BMA.

Produced by Kurt Ballou (Converge, Trap Them) at Godcity Studio and mastered by Nick Zampiello (Torche, Unsane) at New Alliance, Bishop Kent Manning is a concept album that follows the epic story of a corrupt televangelist’s decline. Opening with the desperate cry, “I just got caught blood-redhanded selling absolution for a lion's share,” the album tells its tale through ten tracks that veer seamlessly from jagged aggro chaos to haunting melody and back again. Inspired by the likes of Coalesce and Botch, Bishop Kent Manning is an album of anthems -- both complex and simplistic, atonal and melodic, it’s all from the gut and it’s all punk rock.

To celebrate the upcoming release of Bishop Kent Manning, Black Market Activities unveils “You Fucking Fakes,” a song that embodies the spirit of the new album and gives a taste of how far the_Network has evolved. Stream “You Fucking Fakes,” here:

http://www.myspace.com/thenetworkmetal

And read an exclusive excerpt from the short story written by the_Network guitarist Kevin Howley to accompany the album, here:

http://decibelmagazine.com/Content.aspx?ncid=320937

Bishop Kent Manning’s full tracklisting is as follows:

1) From Holy Water To Holy Wars

2) Following And Failing

3) Your Own Personal Time Bomb

4) Service With A Smile

5) Telethons For The Rich

6) Paranoid Deserter

7) Easter Just Stopped Showing Up

8) Corpse Paint

9) You Fucking Fakes

10) Kent Manning

Look for the_Network on tour in the US throughout the fall in support of Bishop Kent Manning. Renowned as champions of the “do-it-yourself, eat-shit mentality,” the_Network has already toured Australia, England, Scotland, and Puerto Rico, all within the past year.

http://www.thenetworkmusic.com

http://www.myspace.com/thenetworkmetal

Video of the Week: Abominable Iron Sloth - "Hats Made of Veal and that New Car Scent"

(Video Cred: Directed by - Scott Cramer, Produced by - Three Hench Men / ILine Entertainment)

Artist Entry: Lye By Mistake hotshot Maxx Tempo gives us an LBM summertime update

(Photo credit: Jake Didion)

Summer time is here and in full effect in muggy old St. Charles Missouri, the birthplace of the Louis and Clark Expedition and Big League Chew. The weather here is to die for. Seriously, I’ll be surprised if I don’t get sucked bone dry by all the god damn mosquitoes. I can’t even jerk off at Naomi’s place without getting bit by one.
I know most of you out there are thinking “I wonder what those crazy guys from Lye By Mistake have been up to?” Well if you must know, the crew has just wrapped up production of their second full length Compact Disk entitled, "Fea Jur." In the meantime the crew has been up to the old routine of life at home between tours.
When Ben Whailin isn’t gigging with Lye By Mistake he’s rocking out with famed cover band, The Money Shot. Ben also teaches a legion of young squirts the way of the guitar in an almost religious fashion. If he’s not playing or teaching he’ll just pose in front of the mirror practicing guitar moves with his iconic Music Man strapped on only inches away from chipping a tooth. Ben Whailin also loves to paint in his spare time using his guitar as a paint brush--come to think of it, I can‘t say I‘ve ever seen him with out his beloved guitar strapped on.
Underneath Whailin’s wings is Murl Philpot, a young, talented, and hip guitarist with a dream to get filthy stinkin' rich with this band. Murl gigs around town with a group of gentile gentlemen that call themselves The Gorge, be on the lookout for these guys. I’m telling you right here and now, in a few years they’re going to be the next Color Me Badd.
Then there’s Jonnie Pokket. At it again schlepping the meat, not at your local grocer though. He’s been working with the Production Company 101 dicks getting ready to launch an instructional Bass Tapping/Finger Banging technique DVD due out just in time for the holidays.
As for me, well I’m teaming up with Jonnie and we are preparing an exciting new line of double-sided dildos called the "Tag Team Duo," which will be molded true to our "forms" with a combined length of 9 inches! I’ve also been working on my tan, and I just enlisted in a Tae Kwon Do class to get me in shape to play the new material Live.
We played a show last week for a loyal crowd full of Lye by fans, by no mistake. The new material has been completely obliterating faces, where the old material would leave faces melted like a grilled cheese sandwich this new shit is leaving nothing behind--not even a fart particle can survive. We are unleashing a wave of sound that not even Helen Keller could withstand. If you think you are man enough to harkin' such an album, you’d best prepare yourself for audible annihilation. "Fea Jur" drops in record stores in Fall ‘09.

Love,

Maxx Tempo

Video of the Week: Engineer live in NYC @ Death by Audio

Engineer is currently on the road with Tides. Use this video to pre-game accordingly.

Video of the Week: Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza guest apperance!

Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza vocalist Jessie Freeland and guitarist Layne Meylain join members of Misery Index and Seven Year Existence at The Phoenix in Champaign, Ill.

(Video credit: Amanda Wright).

Video of the Week: Romans and the 'Vantastic Voyage'

Romans - The Vantastic Voyage

BMA Weekly Grind - 6-23-09

It’s not a sausage fest, it’s Dudefest!

Three days worth of smelly dudes embracing their punk roots—and Slip N Slides—storms into Indianapolis from July 17-19. Non-crust folks may only be able to tolerate a solitary day of such a pungency of the senses, which is where our suggestion for watching GAZA and Lords on Saturday of the fest comes in. Salt Lake City’s resident conscientious objectors are back again this year, after leaving last year’s Dudefest salivating at the gills. The last remaining rebels of the South follow later Saturday evening to kick what’s left of the concert goers’ corpses in the ribs. Other bands scheduled to join the stage with both GAZA and Lords Dudefest weekend are Torche, Russian Circles, Harvey Milk, Furnace and more.

For a complete listing of bands, venue and ticket information, visit the Dudefest MySpace page:

http://www.myspace.com/dudefestindiana

Paria run to the Dakotas and back!

Maybe not physically, but the band’s tour dates are as follows:

6/25 - The Sydney - Omaha, Nebraska

6/26 - Knickerbockers w/The Recession - Lincoln, Nebraska

7/11 - The Beat w/High Hopes - Minneapolis, Minnesota

7/17 - Nights of Columbus (w/Old Ironside) - Sioux Falls, South Dakota

7/18 - The Red Raven (w/Battlefields & Old Ironside) - Fargo, North Dakota

An excerpt of Paria bassist Dustin Treinen describing the band’s wacky relationship with Psyopus in a recent interview with Thrash Magazine:

“We were in the middle of a song and a girl walked out holding a big sign that said something like “Psyopus owns you pussies!” The next thing I knew, my band was being pelted with flour and glitter wrapped in paper towels. We were caught completely off guard because as far as we knew, Psyopus was 5 hours away from us….”

The full interview can be read here:

http://www.thrashmag.com/interviews/content.aspx?id=4598

http://www.myspace.com/paria

Engineer kicking ass and taking names with Tides!

The most up-to-date July tour dates and venues scheduled for Engineer thus far:

7/12 - TBA - Rochester, NY

7/13 - The Vineyard - Kent, OH

7/14 - The Metalfrat - Ann Arbor, MI

7/15 - The Tower Room - Antioch, IL

7/16 - The 1511 w/ Comadre & Surroundings - Indianapolis, IN

7/17 - TBA - Evansville, IN

7/18 - The Hideaway - Johnson City, TN

7/19 - SK Net - Charlotte, NC

7/20 - Nara Sushi - Richmond, VA

7/21 - The Velvet Lounge - Washington DC

7/22 - The Hexagon - Baltimore, MD

7/23 - Kung Fu Necktie w/ Fight Amp - Philadelphia, PA

7/24 - The Cherry St Station – Wallingford, CT

7/25 - Easy Axxess - Pawtucket, RI

7/26 - Anchors Up! - Haverhill, MA

7/27 - The Long Mustache - Burlington, VT

7/28 - Recess w/ Fuck the Facts - Syracuse, NY

http://www.myspace.com/engineercooldude

A plethora of BMA releases comin’ at cha, real soon!

9/15 – Lye By Mistake – “Fea Jur”

9/15 – The_Network – “The Bishop Kent Manning”

10/13 – Sweet Cobra – TBA

10/27 – The Abominable Iron Sloth – “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Heaviness”

Follow us on Twitter, Blogspot and troll our Web sites for the latest BMA rhetoric:

http://blackmarketactivities.blogspot.com

http://www.blackmarketactivities.com

http://www.myspace.com/blackmarketactivities

http://www.twitter.com/sheenabma

http://www.twitter.com/michellebma

New Lords interview with HardTimes.ca!

Lords' Chris Owens isn't shy, folks. Who else would compare today's mainstream hardcore to '80s hair metal?

Lords Interview HARDTIMES.CA

the_Network live at Shaun Luu Horror Fest, part one

Part one of two videos filmed of the_Network at Shaun Luu Horror Fest:

LORDS invades the Great White North in June!

Lords is set to tour Canada in June and will be joined by Barn Burner, Titan and Vilipend.

6/10 – Hamilton, ON @ Casbah (all ages)
6/11 – Toronto, ON @ Sneaky Dees (19+ bar show)
6/12 – Ottawa, ON @ Cafe Dekeuf (19+ Bar show)
6/13 – Montreal, QC @ Katacombes (18+ bar show)
6/14 – Sudbury, ON @ Adanac Shack (Dry all ages show)
6/15 – TBA
6/16 – London, ON @ Call The Office (all ages)
6/17 – St. Catharines, ON @ 73 (Dry all ages show)
6/18 – Kingston, ON @ Bar None (19+ bar show)
6/19 – Guelph, ON @ Shadow (all ages)
6/20 – Mississauga, ON @ City Center / Coliseum Stage
(outdoor festival / dry show)
6/21 – Windsor, ON @ Coach and Horse (19+ bar show)

Paria live video footage from its CD release show

Video Credit: Kyle Beneke of High Five Productions

BMA News Update: Keepin' it short and sweet

It's been nearly a month since the last BMA news update, so now's as good a time as any to update what little news we have to share.

Paria has a sweet review/blurb on Billboard.com about its newest release, "The Barnacle Cordious."

The Abominable Iron Sloth, as announced today on the band's MySpace, will soon begin recording its BMA debut in Kentucky with Chris Owens (Lords). Though a release date is not yet solidified, end of summer is our general projection.

Guy recently did an interview with Hardtimes.ca when on tour in Montreal, Quebec. In the interview he discusses BMA and shares his thoughts on the music industry.



Here's all the tour dates that we can account for within the BMA family:

Architect

4.18 - The Lost Horizon w/Napalm Death - Syracuse, NY
4.21 - The Static Age - Romeo, MI
4.22 - TBA - Detroit/Flint, MI
4.23 - TBA - Chicago, IL
4.24 - TBA - Des Moines / Iowa City, IA
4.25 - The Triple Rock w/ DISEMBODIED and COALESCE - Minneapolis, MN
4.26 - Public Space One - Iowa City, IA
4.27 - Studio 8 at the Murphy Building - Indianapolis, IN
4.28 - TBA - Indiana
4.29 - The Warehouse - Columbus, OH
4.30 - TBA - Ohio
5.1 - Yesterdays Draught House - Wheeling, WV
5.2 - The RoundHouse - Pittsburgh, PA

Cancer Bats

4.22 - Engine Rooms Brighton, UK
4.23 - Spring and Airbrake Belfast, UK
4.24 - Academy 2 Dublin, Ireland
4.25 - Fred Zeppelins Cork, Ireland
4.26 - Arts Centre Colchester, UK
4.27 - O2 Academy Oxford, UK
4.28 - Barfly Cardiff, UK
4.29 - ABC 2 Glasgow, UK
4.30 - The Cockpit Leeds, UK
5.1 - Sugarmill Stoke, UK
5.2 - Rock City Nottingham, UK
5.3 - Academy 3 Manchester, UK
5.4 - O2 Academy 2 Birmingham, UK
5.5 - O2 Academy 2 Bristol, UK
5.6 - Wedgewood Rooms Portsmouth, UK
5.7 - Underworld London, UK
5.11 - The Capitol Perth
5.12 - Heaven Adelaide
5.14 - Billboard Afternoon all ages Melbourne
5.15 - Billboard Evening 18 plus Melbourne
5.16 - UNSW ROUNDHOUSE SYDNEY
5.17 - The Tivoli Brisbane
5.19 - Transmission Room Auckland

Dance Club Massacre

5.1 Pop vs Hardcore Round 3 @ The Unity Lodge Kenosha, WI
5.23 O’Malley’s Bar and Grill (All Ages) Alsip, IL

TOUR w/ KNIGHTS OF THE ABYSS
6.20 - Johnny's Coffee House - Metamora, IL
6.21 - Doug's Rock House - Aurora, IL
6.22 - Gamer's Paradise - Flint, MI
6.23 - Centre Stage - Toledo, OH
6.24 - Blue Violet Cafe - Rochester, PA
6.25 - The Refuge - Fredericksburg, VA
6.26 - Southside 220 - Boones Mill, VA
6.27 - The Brewery - Raleigh, NC
6.28 - Weekend's Pub - Goose Creek, SC
6.29 - Island Oasis - Winter Park, FL
6.30 - The Dugout - Miami, FL
7.1 - The Garage South - Fort Myers, FL
7.2 - Olympia Performance Arts - Palmetto, FL
7.3 - Gallery 13 - Columbus, GA
7.4 - The High Ground - Metairie, LA
7.5 - Java Junction - Houston, TX
7.6 - The White Rabbit - San Antonio, TX
7.7 - Molly's - Arlington, TX
7.8 - The Hanger - Wichita Falls, TX
7.9 - The War Legion - Amarillo, TX
7.10 - The Anchor - Albuquerque, NM
7.11 - Clubhouse Venue - Tempe, AZ
7.12 - Cobalt Cafe - Canoga Park, CA
7.13 - Sanger Community Center - Sanger, CA
7.14 - The Venue - Los Gatos, CA
7.15 - Legends Nightclub - Klamath Falls, OR
7.16 - Satyricon - Portland, OR
7.17 - Studio Seven - Seattle, WA
7.18 - The Empyrean - Spokane, WA
7.19 - Glenwood Square - Yakima, WA

Destroy, Destroy, Destroy

4.23 - 527 Main with TBD Murfreesboro, TN
4.24 - TBD (maybe the Hideaway with The Showdown) Johnson City, TN
4.25 - Club Fathom - Chattanooga, TN

Engineer

6.14 - The Westcott Theatre - Syracuse, NY

the_Network

4.23 - Adelaide Uni bar w/ Robotosaurus Adelaide, South Australia
4.24 - Arthouse w/ Robotosaurus Melbourne, Victoria
4.25 - Pony w/ Robotosaurus Melbourne, Victoria
4.26 - Catfood Press w/ Robotosaurus Melbourne, Victoria
4.28 - Dirty Shirlows w/ Robotosaurus Sydney, New South Wales
4.29 - Hermanns Bar w/ Robotosaurus Sydney, New South Wales
5.1 - Rosies live w/ Robotosaurus Brisbane, Queensland
5.2 - Ahimsa House w/ Robotosaurus Brisbane, Queensland

PARIA PREMIERE VIDEO “THE BARNACLE CORDIOUS” TODAY! ONLY ON METALINJECTION.NET!

Today marks the premiere of Paria’s newest video “The Barnacle Cordious” exclusively on MetalInjection.net.

“The Barnacle Cordious” is directed by Paria’s long time friend and videograher, Kyle Benecke, of the High Five Media Group. “The Barnacle Cordious” enhanced cd will feature a copy of the band’s first video. In addition, Kyle, who is the former vocalist of System Failure and Nodes of Ravier, lent his talents to several tracks on the record.

“The Barnacle Cordious” will be available in store March 17th. Pre-order the record now from the Black Market Activities webstore.

Don’t forget you can check out more music from “The Barnacle Cordious” on Paria's MySpace and the Black Market Activities MySpace.

The Fatasses of Metal Social Club: Cattle Decapitation, Psyopus and the 'mini' bar

Covering all of the major food groups is important, but the minor ones shouldn’t be pissed to the wind because they’re unfairly categorized by the FDA as a “minority” food group. It’s just fucking food racism.

While it seemed nearly impossible to top the disturbing display of competitive eating at D.Z. Akins, we will overcome – we will persevere. Because pickles and sandwiches are shits and giggles when compared to gorging on the purest forms of sugar, and still avoiding keeling over into an agonizing sugary seizure.

Nothing says Valentine’s Day quite like going to see Cattle Decapitation and Psyopus in the “barrio” of San Marcos, otherwise known as slums that surround one of the few legit North County venues, The Jumping Turtle.

But the only “I love you’s” on display weren’t from our devotion to spit baths paired with great groin-demolishing music, but rather the pre-gamed feast of gummy bears, washed down with chocolate liquor shots. Only Kindergartners dream of such indulgences – minus the “liquor shots,” we’re trying to keep it PC here, people.

Cracking open one of Michelle’s several enormous cases of Gummy Bears that she received for V-Day was like busting open a piñata at a non-Mexican friend’s birthday party – you know there’s a delicious reward waiting to be unleashed, so you ignore that fact that something isn’t right about the situation.

Three packets later, Michelle forgot we needed something to wash the multi-colored woodland creatures down.

Opening the liquor cabinet – or box in this case – revealed an alocholic’s taster’s choice of fine liquors. Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Grand Mariner, Cointreau, at this moment, I broke “edge.”

Two-or-three shots later, we headed out to The Jumping Turtle, arriving just in time to park ourselves by the heater. You may be thinking, “what the fuck is so amazing about standing next to a heater?” Well, given that I’ve got more dye in my hair than Wavy Gravy’s t-shirt collection, it’s a pretty dangerous feat to stand next to a flame-spitting heater.

Still danger was somewhat expected at this place, especially after Michelle, some of the Cattle significant others and I had to dodge just about every whirl-wind, preschooler’s shoving match coming our way. Or maybe it was the crazy heckler, who was told where to shove it, and later waited outside for a knife fight – good job remembering dude that it’s 2009, not 1955, put your switchblade away and all hair grease purchases are discontinued.

Sheena Hamilton is publicity assistant for BMA and a cynic who doesn't discriminate against minority food groups.

The Fat Asses of Metal Social Club: The Graf Orlock installment

It’s not too often that you hear from the staff at BMA. I decided it was time to write a blog entry because I labor under the illusion that you give enough of a shit about me actually read this.

So Sheena and I - the only other two people who actually work for BMA - decided to form a social club: The Fat Asses of Metal Social Club. For those of you unfamiliar with social clubs, it’s kind of like the Buena Vista Social Club, except we aren’t a large group of middle-aged men who gather to make sweet jazz music. We are two (yes, only two) twenty-something broads who get together to eat like lumberjacks before wandering into the B.O. and stale beer stench of a club or bar to get punched in the gut by sweaty 19-year-old dudes.

The first and quite impromptu meeting of the Fat Asses of Metal took place at an establishment that sits in the shadow of my house and right next to an audio book rental store (yes!): D.Z. Atkins. This palace of pastries and pastrami features all the best of what Jew food has to offer and Sheena and I were ready to indulge like we hadn’t eaten in weeks. Our first mission was to empty the crock of dill pickles that sits on the table. Less than 10 minutes later, mission fucking accomplished. A heaping mound of tuna salad, a mountain of fries, a mile-high pastrami sandwich and enough challah bread to feed a Sudanese family for a month, Sheena and I were onto bigger an better things (the bakery). We loaded up a box with $20 worth of enough chocolate and sugar to give us both diabetes.

Not wanting to make anyone jealous of our gastronomical potential, we headed back to the house to polish off this box of treats. The fistfight that ensued over the last chocolate covered macaroon was hardly the end of this night. We still had a show to attend. So, we rolled ourselves out to the car and advanced into the rain and the dark to the night’s event: a Graf Orlock house show in Escondido.

Now, as we waddled out the door, my roommate (always playing the mom) warned us of the presence of “party gangs”, groups of hooligans who travel to house parties only to start fights and fuck up unsuspecting and highly intoxicated partygoers. If only she understood where Sheena and I were headed, she would have known the worst thing that could have happened to us was that we were would be subjected to the minuscule anatomy of boys making a tiny bump in the crotch of their three sizes too small jeans, and maybe, getting a stinky armpit to the face.

We arrive and our lowest of expectations were met. No more than three-dozen people, including the performing bands, cram into a two-car garage in the middle of Esco’s oldest and trashiest suburban piece of heaven. With the hum of amps and the drone of a movie sample, the garage door closes. Immediately, the few kids there launch into a mechanical response so predictable it can hardly be seen as subversive anymore. You know what I’m talking about. Moshing, dancing, aerobics, whatever. As predictable as the pushing and shoving was the 17-year-old elitist heckling, the verbatim mouthing of the movie samples, the girls with straw hair and shitty haircuts, the tight pants and the shouting of inside jokes among the friends of the crowd.

Remaining on the outskirts of the shoving match, I try my best to stand still, arms crossed to prevent the occasional elbow, foot and butt from pushing into my gut and causing me to vomit $30 worth of cookies and pastrami onto the unsuspecting victim in front of me. I look over to see Sheena standing victoriously on top of an errant coffee table that had attempted to amputate her at the shins. By the end of the show I was overcome with nostalgia. I hadn’t been to a house show in probably nearly ten years. These were the kinds of shows that I miss the most.

Despite the pushing and shouting, the stupid drunk girl’s feeble (and failed) attempt to participate the conversations of four college educated metal nerds, and overwhelming sleepiness that hit us promptly at 11pm, Graf Orlock proved that even playing in mom and dad’s garage, they are still the best cinema gore has to offer.

Michelle Ferraro is the Head of Publicity for BMA and can't deny a stacked pastrami on rye with a chocolate macaroon on the side.

Video of the Week: Paria's Dustin Treinen gives the bass a little tappity tap

Check out an exclusive track from Paria's March 17 release, "The Barnacle Cordious," on the band's MySpace page.

Dance Club Massacre to tour with The Agonist in March

Dance Club Massacre (Black Market Activities)
The Agonist (Century Media Records)
March 13 - Aurora, IL @ Doug's Rockhouse w/ Through The Fire
March 14 - Romeo, MI @ Static Age w/ Through The Fire
March 15 - Flint, MI @ Gamers Paradise
March 16 - Rochester, NY @ The Jukebox
March 17 - Buffalo, NY @ Venue TBA
March 18 - Pittsburgh, PA @ Club Octane w/ Through The Fire
March 19 - Clark, NJ @ Clark KOC w/ Through The Fire
March 20 - Beckley, WV @ Soldiers Memorial Theatre w/ Through The Fire
March 21 - Owensboro, KY @ The Armory

Artist Entry: Lords vocalist Chris Owens dreams of SS shit soldiers

Does Shitler have a mustache?

I had another pipe dream the other night.

I have a lot of great movie ideas that I talk about a lot. Most recently it was a movie about killer shit, the working title I have right now is, "Foul Movement: Rise of the Turd Reich."

I'm still working out all the details, but the general idea is that you have Shitler leading an army of living excrement, and the U.S. government brings Jesus out of the cryogenic deep freeze they've been keeping him in (since the end of WWII, when the Nazis had figured out how to summon the Christ back to a human form) to battle Shitler.

At first Jesus is all pussy, weak, and doesn't have any of his magic powers, so he goes to the North Pole to train with Santa Claus (who plays a cross between Yoda, and Q from James Bond).

Santa has his elves construct a bunch of special weapons for Jesus that all revolve around the stigmata holes in his hands (including a crucifix jetpack), and gives them to Jesus for a birthday present on Christmas morning, so that he can go battle Shitler.

Oh yeah -- there's got to be a scene where killer shit comes out of a dudes ass and bites his dick off.