Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Artist Entry: Lords' Chris Owens is the next Gene Siskel, minus the brain tumor

3 shitty movies

Every couple of weeks my uncle drops by with some DVDR's of shitty movies he's ripped. Here's my critique of the latest batch:

"I am Legend"

Man, does Will Smith suck, or does Will Smith suck? So, he's this ripped, athletic scientist, who is the only dude left in Manhattan (or maybe the world...ooooohhh) that is immune to some virus created to help cure cancer but instead turned everyone into shitty, bald, hyperactive, CGI zombie types that apparently cant handle sunlight. Yawn. Everything is going fine and well until the Fresh Prince fucks up and flips out on some mannequin then gets himself stuck out side at night with the shitty, bald, hyperactive, CGI dummies.

What's the deal with those mannequins anyway? Oh yeah, he's going "crazy" He's like loosing his mind, yo! Oh! Naw he didn't! He just talked to that mannequin and asked her out on a date! Naw he didn't! Crazy ass Fresh Prince!

Well guess what, I don't believe it. I don't believe it because he's a shitty actor and I feel no sympathy for his character.

You know what else I don't believe, is that some chick and her little girl somehow manage to stay alive without the Travis-Bickel-workout-routine-six-pack abs, machine guns, a fortress house, or any of the other amenities that the Fresh Prince required for his survival. Furthermore, what the fuck took them three years, or however long it was, to find him in Manhattan? You know, when he's broadcasting his location on the radio every single day, AND, how the fuck did they drive off the island?! It was supposedly sealed off, as explained in some stupid flash back sequences.

Whatever, fuck this stupid movie. Go rent "Omega Man" instead.

"The Italian Job"
I have chronic sleep problems which result in and are perpetuated by massive coffee consumption. I drink more coffee than Bobby from Engineer. I keep a coffee pot in the van and bust it out at every show on tour. I drink coffee all the time because I don't sleep very well, or often, and I need the stimulant in my brain to stay functional during the day. I can't sleep without earplugs or complete
darkness. I talked to a doctor about it years ago -- when I could afford to go the doctor -- and he explained to me that normally people's nervous system "turns off" when they're sleeping, but mine only goes in to "low gear," so I'm still aware of sights and sounds, and any kind of stimulation will easily wake me. So the bottom line is that I cant fall asleep with a TV or radio on, or people talking or any kind of shit like that.

....or at least I couldn't, until for the first time in my 29 years of living I saw a movie so fucking boring, contrived and shitty that I actually fell asleep during it.

Really I should have known. Being a remake and the PG13 rating should have been enough, but with Ed Norton and Mark Wahlberg I thought it would at least have to be passable. I really cant decide which actor performed more embarrassingly on this movie. I mean, Ed Norton had to wear the gay ass "evil twin" mustache and goatee. But Wahlberg acted like he was still playing Dirk Diggler staring in a no-plot, action porno -- but with no porno so it wasn't even like you could just fast froward through the dialog to get to the fuck scenes. Fuck scenes might have made this movie a little better -- not much -- but the formula
works for the rest of Hollywood. If there is no intellectually or emotionally stimulating substance to the film, then at least try to give me a boner, or real graphic violence of some sort -- something to make me feel like my money or time hasn't been thoroughly wasted.

Then you have Donald Sutherland. Sometimes there are actors that no matter what role they're playing you always remember them for one weird obscure thing they did years before. Like how Jeff Goldblum will always be the street thug who's ass you got to see when he was raping and murdering Charles Bronsons' wife and daughter in "Death Wish" and to me Donald Sutherland will always be the Nazi spy who murdered this hot English lady's paraplegic husband then made her fuck and feed him, while he waited for the U-boat to pick him up in "Eye of
the Needle."

Painfully disappointing cast performances aside this movie is a very weak "heist gone wrong" tale with an apparent target audience of retarded 12-year-old girls.

Do your self a favor and don't watch this movie. Go rent "Cannibal
Holocaust" instead. It's nothing like "The Italian Job" in any way,
which is a good thing -- and it's banned in most self respecting first
world countries, so you know it has to be good.

"The Quick and the Dead"
High points: Sharon Stone tit shot, Leonardo DiCaprio dies.

Low points: Everything else in the movie.

This abomination of cinema is essentially a horribly failed attempt to mix "Kill Bill" with at least one scene from every western ever made. We have Sharon Stone as the sass-mouth cowgirl on a quest for revenge against the man who killed her father. I guess we're supposed to get some kind of girl power vibe off of her, but instead most of the movie she acts like a timid, sissy bitch, who is too pussy to kill this dude the first 500 chances that she has. Then suddenly she becomes a badass in the last minute of the film, while uttering one of the gayest
one liners of all time. Once again, I don't believe it.

DiCaprio is the young show off who gets killed by his own dad (Gene Hackman). When he died in the movie I was happy because his character annoyed the fuck out of me.

Russel Crow plays a sharp shooting preacher who has renounced killing -- exactly like Lee Van Cleef in "Gods Gun," except that in this movie Russel Crow doesn't also play his own twin brother, who in "Gods Gun" comes back to severely mind fuck the bad guys and avenge his death.

Gene Hackman is the gang leader who is responsible for the death of Sharon Stones' dad (although we find out in some queer ass flash back sequences that Sharon Stone actually killed her dad, because Hackman was going to hang him -- but he said if Sharon can shoot the rope off then he'll let him go. But Stone accidentally shoots her dad in the head...HA!).

This movie offends me. Clint Eastwood kind of served as a father figure to me as a child. My moral compass is derived from his spaghetti Western characters ( and from Alan Alda as "Hawkeye" in the "Mash" TV series). Some review of this movie called it "campy fun," but as Dennis Hopper would say in "Blue Velvet;" Fuck that faggot shit. This movie is testament to the rapid retardation and pussification of
America. I hate this movie and anyone who likes it. Fuck it, and fuck you.

Good night.


memoryleak said...

I laughed really hard at The Italian Job review.

Anonymous said...

Damn I have the same stupid sleeping problems and the same hatred for those three toilet films.

Kev. the_network.