Friday, January 30, 2009

Artist Entry: Lords vocalist Chris Owens dreams of SS shit soldiers

Does Shitler have a mustache?

I had another pipe dream the other night.

I have a lot of great movie ideas that I talk about a lot. Most recently it was a movie about killer shit, the working title I have right now is, "Foul Movement: Rise of the Turd Reich."

I'm still working out all the details, but the general idea is that you have Shitler leading an army of living excrement, and the U.S. government brings Jesus out of the cryogenic deep freeze they've been keeping him in (since the end of WWII, when the Nazis had figured out how to summon the Christ back to a human form) to battle Shitler.

At first Jesus is all pussy, weak, and doesn't have any of his magic powers, so he goes to the North Pole to train with Santa Claus (who plays a cross between Yoda, and Q from James Bond).

Santa has his elves construct a bunch of special weapons for Jesus that all revolve around the stigmata holes in his hands (including a crucifix jetpack), and gives them to Jesus for a birthday present on Christmas morning, so that he can go battle Shitler.

Oh yeah -- there's got to be a scene where killer shit comes out of a dudes ass and bites his dick off.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Artist Entry: Lords' Chris Owens gives 'wet dream' a new meaning

The Dream, pt. I

I had a dream the other night, in the dream I was on a very crowded beach -- full of frat spring break types -- the beach was supposed to be in Columbus, Ohio.

Anyway, I walk around this large rock formation that's protruding out into the ocean, and when I get to the other side there is this big cove, with a small island in the middle of it and this narrow rock walkway leading out to it.

I know that for some reason I have to go to the small island, but then a bunch of the spring breakers run out on the walk way and it crumbles in to the ocean. They all scramble back to the beach while we're all standing on the shore looking out at the island, when some naked fat lady comes up to me and says, "What? It's just water!"

She then jumps in the water and starts swimming. So I jump in and swim out towards the Island, I get pretty close to it when all of a sudden I bump into the dead body of a white guy in mechanics clothes floating just below the surface. The dead guy looks up at me and grabs my arm, pulling me under the water. He mouths something to me, I cant hear what he's saying but the words flash in my brain, in faded black letters ( in the Iron Maiden font) on red background it says, "One day you will be asked to serve your rap community."

Then I wake up.

Weird, huh?

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The Abominable Iron Sloth cancels final leg of U.S. tour

The remainder of dates on The Abominable Iron Sloth tour are canceled. Vocalist Justin Godfrey issued his regrets about having to cancel the tour:

"We're sorry about having to cancel the rest of our tour, but we need to head home for now to regain our strength -- and I need to kick whatever death-like illness I've come down with. We'll definitely be back at some point, hopefully soon. To those of you who came out and the bands we've played with, we had a fucking blast."

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Monday, January 26, 2009

Video of the Week: Dance Club Massacre vocalist Nick Seger gets rilled up about 'Penetration'

DCM Guitarist Mitch Hein explains..

Since touring in the winter sucks, we've been in hibernation for the past month and half or so. What have we been up to you might ask? You will find the answer in this short film entitled "Without Penetration."

It's brought to you by Ball and Cane Moving Film Pictures and it features Dance Club Massacre's very own, Nick Seger.

"Without Penetration" is a very serious film, and it touches on some very important issues that we feel need to be addressed.


"Without Penetration" can be viewed here.

Friday, January 23, 2009

News Update: Paria announces album release date; TDTDE tour with The Faceless; and more

Don't worry.

This week's BMA news update won't include anything on new President Barack Obama, so you can continue reading without fear of us continuing the mainstream media's redundant coverage plaguing every freaking news cast.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, we'll make this update short and sweet.

-BMA Staff

Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza hits the road for the "Patrons of Destruction" tour, from the press release:


Bottle of whiskey in one hand, sawed-off shotgun in the other, Tennessee’s Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza is locked, loaded and ready to invade your town.
TDTDE hits the road for a brief set of South Western dates, joining The Faceless, Arsis and Misery Index:

2/21-Fayetteville, NC @ Jester's Pub
2/22-Raleigh, NC @ Volume 11
2/23-Atlanta, GA @ The Masquerade
2/24-Nashville, TN @ The Muse
2/25-St. Louis, MO @ Pop's
2/26-Little Rock, AR @ The Village
2/27-Dallas, TX @ The Max
2/28-Houston, TX @ Java Jazz
3/01-Austin, TX @ Emo's
3/02-Corpus Christi, TX @ House of Rock
3/03-Abilene, TX @ The Key
3/04-El Paso, TX @ Chic’s
3/06-Lancaster, CA @ The Crossing

Check out the TDTDE MySpace for rockin’ tunes.

Exclusive tracks from TDTDE and other members of the Black Market Activities family now on the BMA Myspace.

The official release date for Paria's completed album, "The Barnacle Cordious," is March 17. The release will feature some guest vocal spots from ex-System Failure/Nodes Of Ranvier frontman Kyle Beneke, who also recently helmed the video shoot for the albums title track. A video for the song should available next month. Nevertheless, a demo of a new track entitled "Circus" can currently be found an the Paria MySpace page.

the_Network isn't done exploring the world - just call 'em the modern day Christopher Columbuses. Australia is the next destination for the New Hampshire scummers for late April into early May with Robotosaurus.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Artist Entry: Abominable Iron Sloth's Justin Godfrey has a serious case of Asian kryptonite

One time I fell in love with a girl as I watched her snort lines of stuff off the floor of my van.

In all fairness I did think it was just cocaine.

She was homeless and with a dude and it was 3 a.m. in London and she was ASIAN.

You know, like that Orbit chewing gum girl -- and she liked to dance!

And God knows I have a weakness for ASIAN.

I brought her to America and we ate mushrooms, got married in a drive thru in Las Vegas. The vows came easy, and for a low fee.

My best man was a Jew from a cookie-cutter, death metal band from Las Vegas. He sounds like a pig squealing and I thought it was funny until I realized he was serious about it. I even got his brother to dress up and be my new wife's special wedding girl.

I heard that my girlfriend was really upset when she found out I'd gotten married to someone other than her. My girlfriend was really rad, and way too good to be with a tard like me, so we talked and fucked one last time – but I felt terrible and tried to make it go away. I told myself my new wife was everything I wanted. She was foreign and ASIAN and she said she was all done with the coke, speed and the ecstasy. It was time to changeeeeeee.

Of course that meant I had to get a job, then get a second job to pay for the house, the car and the Comcast because SOMEONE had to pay for her to watch cable and chat online. I would ask her to help me with bills like she promised. For a long time I didn't care because she would make food and clean and I could fuck her mouth.

But I was dying.

Things would change

I tried to work harder

More hours, new job, less fun.

I begged her to find any sort of work and I would do whatever it took to help.

Things had to change and I was fucking dying.

But she would smile, and I would fuck her mouth, and I knew this was meant to be.

Then a year went by and I couldn't find more work.

I lost the house, the credit cards.. and the and the and the… wave of anxiety

that I had outrun. I had stayed one step ahead of it and convinced myself that it was never there.

Finally, the weight was bearing down, pressing my face into the floor of the car

The rear view mirror had not been lying after all.

Finally the wife was going to LA to finally get her green card and things would be on the right track.

Finally we could get started for serious.

I stopped drinking everyday and started talking an array of prescribed cures for my condition. I was ready for round two and drove to LA to see her.

After it became obvious that she was dumping me by text message, I started to lose it.

The LSD and the breathing walls didn't help.

I knew that I was free in so many ways. I laughed into the mirror for hours, so much so that I can no longer take the mirrors seriously.

It only became good after I realized she had been working and partying and fucking the dude who wore the dress.

She was ASIAN and I was married to her.

And it was all I ever wanted.

Monday, January 19, 2009

the_Network in Puerto Rico; dates and venues announced

For the pinche gringos: March 6 - SOS Burger, Catano, Puerto Rico
March 7 - Taller Ce, Rio Piedras, Puerto Rico.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Artist Entry: the_Network guitarist Kev has a non-acid induced flash back

Digi likes to work backwards, what can we say. Here's the Kev's intro to the_Network's U.K. tour.

Nov. 14, 2008: Leaving for the U.K.

They’re now calling “priority passengers” to board our flight to Halifax where we’ll track down the minimal amount of equipment the fine folks at Air Canada allowed us to bring. Due to ridiculous charges and weight restrictions, we had to greatly reduce the amount of items we planned on bringing. Like a colony of fire ants, we sweated and shook while shifting equipment, clothing, and other bull shit into various bags and boxes, surely horrifying all in sight. We finally had all of our bags checked in right before the Air Canada employees’ forehead veins popped.

The flight was to stop in Halifax, Nova Scotia, where we’d reclaim our guitars, one amp, and our other belongings. Then, in a rationale world, we’d sanely glide all of our belongings from one mechanized highway to another before the great trip across the Atlantic. Instead, a “rationale” world became a breeding ground for snooty, face fucked men and women with homicides for haircuts. As one female extra from the "Toxic Avengers" movie informed me that my Marshall amp didn’t make it to this grandmother’s pussy of an airport. A Canadian pedophile informed Bennett that he wasn’t allowed in Canada, hence, couldn’t fly from Canada to anywhere -- especially London. Apparently, missing a court date in America, five or six years ago, is tantamount to collecting down syndrome semen for months, mixing the semen with Canada Dry ginger ale, freezing it popsicle-knife style, and violently penetrating the Canadian prime ministers pimply ass with it. After pleading and basically staring completely dumbfounded at the first-world idiocy these Canadians were blithering on about, Bennett had to fly home to Boston and the rest of us were on our way to London.

I’m sitting next to a nice guy from London named Soloman. He looks like someone who just flew to Nova Scotia to rape, torture, and murder a teenage runaway. I offered him some Tylenol PM’s, but he said that he’s already so full of meds that he thinks he’s been shrunken down and is in a tiny vessel exploring the innards of an Asian man. At first, I was thinking of asking him to switch seats with Bones but now I know that Soloman and I will become great friends. Years from now, we’ll send each other letters from mental hospitals reminiscing about the time we gave each other handjobs on an airplane.

“Bennett! Fuck my life! Come back to us!”

Friday, January 9, 2009

News Update: Destroy, Destroy, Destroy is calling all 'Battle Sluts;' Animosity featured in Slap Skateboard Magazine and more

Happy new beer -- er year! It's 2009 and there's only great things to come from the BMA family this year. Expect new releases from Destroy, Destroy, Destroy, Paria, the_Network and Gaza. We should have specific release dates for you to take note of in your daily planners soon. Supporting tours will also be announced as soon as we get the good word.

-BMA staff

Destroy, Destroy, Destroy unleashed "Battle Sluts" Jan. 6. Check out exclusive tracks from "Battle Sluts" on the BMA MySpace page as well as D3's MySpace page.

Slap Skateboard Magazine recently interviewed Animosity, picking vocalist Leo Miller's brain about burritos, San Francisco creepers and other similar pressing questions.

After "exploring" the UK in November, the_Network plans to expand its reach to Puerto Rico on March 6 and 7. The specific locations will be posted soon.

Calling all opinionated, elitist jerkoffs! Sick of reading album reviews that you disagree with so much you often find yourself trolling Web zines to pick random fights with other internet lurkers? Put that angst to work and send us your own reviews of our latest releases. It's easy. A paragraph or two in the body of an e-mail with a rating from one, being lower than pond scum, to 10, being absolutely the best album ever created in the history of extreme music is all that's needed. And don't forget to include your name and city of residence, so that we may give you credit for your literary genious. Shoot all extremely critical and/or brown-nosing reviews to