Artist Entry: Abominable Iron Sloth's Justin Godfrey has a serious case of Asian kryptonite

One time I fell in love with a girl as I watched her snort lines of stuff off the floor of my van.

In all fairness I did think it was just cocaine.

She was homeless and with a dude and it was 3 a.m. in London and she was ASIAN.

You know, like that Orbit chewing gum girl -- and she liked to dance!

And God knows I have a weakness for ASIAN.

I brought her to America and we ate mushrooms, got married in a drive thru in Las Vegas. The vows came easy, and for a low fee.

My best man was a Jew from a cookie-cutter, death metal band from Las Vegas. He sounds like a pig squealing and I thought it was funny until I realized he was serious about it. I even got his brother to dress up and be my new wife's special wedding girl.

I heard that my girlfriend was really upset when she found out I'd gotten married to someone other than her. My girlfriend was really rad, and way too good to be with a tard like me, so we talked and fucked one last time – but I felt terrible and tried to make it go away. I told myself my new wife was everything I wanted. She was foreign and ASIAN and she said she was all done with the coke, speed and the ecstasy. It was time to changeeeeeee.

Of course that meant I had to get a job, then get a second job to pay for the house, the car and the Comcast because SOMEONE had to pay for her to watch cable and chat online. I would ask her to help me with bills like she promised. For a long time I didn't care because she would make food and clean and I could fuck her mouth.

But I was dying.

Things would change

I tried to work harder

More hours, new job, less fun.

I begged her to find any sort of work and I would do whatever it took to help.

Things had to change and I was fucking dying.

But she would smile, and I would fuck her mouth, and I knew this was meant to be.

Then a year went by and I couldn't find more work.

I lost the house, the credit cards.. and the and the and the… wave of anxiety

that I had outrun. I had stayed one step ahead of it and convinced myself that it was never there.

Finally, the weight was bearing down, pressing my face into the floor of the car

The rear view mirror had not been lying after all.

Finally the wife was going to LA to finally get her green card and things would be on the right track.

Finally we could get started for serious.

I stopped drinking everyday and started talking an array of prescribed cures for my condition. I was ready for round two and drove to LA to see her.

After it became obvious that she was dumping me by text message, I started to lose it.

The LSD and the breathing walls didn't help.

I knew that I was free in so many ways. I laughed into the mirror for hours, so much so that I can no longer take the mirrors seriously.

It only became good after I realized she had been working and partying and fucking the dude who wore the dress.

She was ASIAN and I was married to her.

And it was all I ever wanted.

Artist Entry: The Abominable Iron Sloth's Justin Godfrey shares some lyrics

"In the Event of the Inevitable"

Dear future,
sorry about that shit we left
religious wars
forests burned
atomic death

In the event of the inevitable
I pray you find this song
The protons rained
throughout your veins
the past must rightly own

Dear son, dear daughter
stay away from girls on speed
and boys on weed
in search of death
and fleeting things

In the event of the inevitable
I pray you find this song
Those foolish things
inside your brain
I tell you don't belong

Artist Entry: The Abominable Iron Sloth's Justin Godfrey loves that 'H'

"I've been addicted to H for the last 4 years"

It almost seemed innocent at first. A few hours here and there, every other weekend, it wasn't anything I needed except when I had to pass some time. An experimentation, an experience.

That's all it was until I went to Portland. I found out my friend Jayson was in the game and then he showed me what had been in front of my eyes all along: Online multiplayer. So it started with Halo 2 in that winter of 2004 and it continues today with an almost daily indulgence.

Times have changed, and of course Halo 3 is now the standard, but the fundamentals of the game, the guiding lights of competitive shit talking and gang tea bagging still burn as bright as ever in my soul.

So I admit that I am an addict, and I just can't find it in me to change.

Artist Entry: The Indomitable Iron Sloth main man Justin Godfrey sees the mark of the beast in Scrooge McDuck

The Iron Sloth cometh
Art by: Jake Estes

So it occurs to me that I don't have any real inspiration -- when it comes to music at least.

I just know how I arrived here, and the pivotal moments that nudged me in this direction. Sometimes I think it was because the time that all the neighborhood kids were piling into the suburban to go see the "Duck Tales" movie, "The Treasure of the Lost Lamp" for Christsake!! I'd been waiting at least a year to see this movie, and considering the fact that I was only 7-years-old, that was like 15% of my lifetime. But oh no, "Lost Lamp" implies that a Genie might be inside and of course everyone knows that genies are a form of black magic, and God is not into that at all. A tear rolled down my face as the Suburban backed down that driveway.

I eventually saw the movie a couple of years later after the genie embargo had been lifted, since Mom was a Robin Williams fan and his groundbreaking role in "Aladdin" opened the door to cartoon witchcraft for me.

But the damage was done, the invisible hand of fate, guardian of life's backroads and dead ends, pushed me further down the path of destruction that had begun years earlier with a commercial for deaf people. The end of the commercial featured the sign for love, which when attempted by my 5-year-old digits, looked more like the devil horns. I was physically informed that I was never again to make the sign of the devil, but the real underlying message was already planted in my mind. I ran upstairs to hide in my closet, but I knew it was no use, I prayed for forgiveness, still I knew in the back of my mind there was no hope for me. No amount of being a good boy in God's army could ever outweigh the transgression of making the goat horns, swearing an unspoken oath to Satan. I had no future beyond this life. I was going to go to hell.