Artist Entry: Abominable Iron Sloth's Justin Godfrey has a serious case of Asian kryptonite

One time I fell in love with a girl as I watched her snort lines of stuff off the floor of my van.

In all fairness I did think it was just cocaine.

She was homeless and with a dude and it was 3 a.m. in London and she was ASIAN.

You know, like that Orbit chewing gum girl -- and she liked to dance!

And God knows I have a weakness for ASIAN.

I brought her to America and we ate mushrooms, got married in a drive thru in Las Vegas. The vows came easy, and for a low fee.

My best man was a Jew from a cookie-cutter, death metal band from Las Vegas. He sounds like a pig squealing and I thought it was funny until I realized he was serious about it. I even got his brother to dress up and be my new wife's special wedding girl.

I heard that my girlfriend was really upset when she found out I'd gotten married to someone other than her. My girlfriend was really rad, and way too good to be with a tard like me, so we talked and fucked one last time – but I felt terrible and tried to make it go away. I told myself my new wife was everything I wanted. She was foreign and ASIAN and she said she was all done with the coke, speed and the ecstasy. It was time to changeeeeeee.

Of course that meant I had to get a job, then get a second job to pay for the house, the car and the Comcast because SOMEONE had to pay for her to watch cable and chat online. I would ask her to help me with bills like she promised. For a long time I didn't care because she would make food and clean and I could fuck her mouth.

But I was dying.

Things would change

I tried to work harder

More hours, new job, less fun.

I begged her to find any sort of work and I would do whatever it took to help.

Things had to change and I was fucking dying.

But she would smile, and I would fuck her mouth, and I knew this was meant to be.

Then a year went by and I couldn't find more work.

I lost the house, the credit cards.. and the and the and the… wave of anxiety

that I had outrun. I had stayed one step ahead of it and convinced myself that it was never there.

Finally, the weight was bearing down, pressing my face into the floor of the car

The rear view mirror had not been lying after all.

Finally the wife was going to LA to finally get her green card and things would be on the right track.

Finally we could get started for serious.

I stopped drinking everyday and started talking an array of prescribed cures for my condition. I was ready for round two and drove to LA to see her.

After it became obvious that she was dumping me by text message, I started to lose it.

The LSD and the breathing walls didn't help.

I knew that I was free in so many ways. I laughed into the mirror for hours, so much so that I can no longer take the mirrors seriously.

It only became good after I realized she had been working and partying and fucking the dude who wore the dress.

She was ASIAN and I was married to her.

And it was all I ever wanted.