When you combine the radio-time a pizza delivery driver gets with the sociality of the Unabomber, you get a man who has not only heard the dreadful phrase, “Battleground State,” hundreds of times over the past few weeks, but someone who’s head exploded last night. Of course history was made and it feels as if America has been given back to its citizens, but I’m here to talk about something that I haven’t heard discussed enough in the mainstream media about yesterday’s election; the utterly justifiable liberal backlash towards the obsolete, unfair, ultra-conservative, right-wing mania America’s been swirling in during the past eight years. I think people like Karl Rove and Sean Hannity are just as responsible for Barack Obama’s win last night as the entire Obama campaign.. Let’s all thank Bill O’Reilly and the rest of Fox News for getting what appears to be every Democrat in America elected into positions in Washington.
Forget about the fact that Barack Obama is the best candidate for the presidency, that he’s probably the most intelligent president we’ll ever see, that he’s far more in touch with the average voter than anybody in positions of U.S. power, forget that he’s not in the pockets of any CEO’s, and that he unites people instead of polarizing them. You can forget that Barack Obama will restore the world’s faith in America, will use the U.S. military responsibly, will remove greed from U.S. policy making, and will take the steak knife away from the middle class’ jugular vein. Forget that Barack Obama has the potential to make America the country it really should be. Forget all that. What we really need to do is thank the overwhelming stupidity of George W. Bush and all of his supporters. If not for their blatant trampling of the constitution and stunning misuse of power, Americans may not have realized just how far down the toilet Republicans were shoving this country. With Republicans at the helm and their inane message shouted across the nation by people at Fox News and other various foolish, reactionary, talk radio show hosts posing as journalists, Americans morphed into a population of politically-aware, open-minded, and (boo-yah!) thinking people. I mean, Bush didn’t screw up to the degree that only political junkies and media geeks could understand; he screwed up in everyone’s faces. Everyone in America is either at war or knows somebody at war. Everyone was affected by the awful handling of Hurricane Katrina or knows someone who was. Everybody is losing their jobs or knows someone who is. Nobody can afford to get sick or everybody knows somebody who can’t. And nobody could afford to fill up their gas tank without suppressing painful vomit. So in between counting less and less money, the American people made every powerful Republicans’ nightmares come true; they started thinking.
While John McCain said the fundamentals of the U.S. economy are strong a few days before the fundamentals of the U.S. economy shit their pants, Americans were wondering why they couldn’t afford to buy a beer at the bar. Then they started wondering why, if they could afford to buy a beer at the bar, they couldn’t afford gas to get to the bar. While Sarah Palin donned designer dresses to say that she was an average Jane and that Barack Obama was a socialist, Americans were going bankrupt because their kid got sick. While Fox News and right-wing talk radio nitwits were whining that, “Waaaaahhhhhh…1% of the population already pays 36% of the taxes,” the American people learned that 1% of the population already has 90% of the wealth!
This time, the attack ads and lies didn’t work. This time, we Americans knew exactly what we needed and how to get it. This time, we were just too smart.
So thank you, Fox News!
Thank you, George W. Bush!
Heck of a job, Brownie!
Let’s send a sincere “thank you” to all the Republicans in power. Without their help, we may have actually voted for them.
Fifty years from now, their incompetence will have continued to raise our intelligence and when we look back, we might ask, “Was George W. Bush the one that lied about getting a blowjob?” and someone will answer, “No, he was the one that lied about everything else.”
Oh, and to everyone who voted for McCain, don’t worry. Your consolation prize will be a better country.