Dudefest Day 2: Beer, Blood and Dinosaurs

Saturday, June 20

Yes, man really came from a monkey..


After spending a night of compromised sleep in the Days Inn (thanks to Luke from Gaza snoring louder than a semi running through 20 barrels of nitroglycerin) the frosty Charlies once again make their way into the hands of the_Network – it’s 11 a.m., yum, breakfast.

Some of the guys zone out on CNN, while everyone waits his turn to make a half-assed attempt at removing days of caked sweat from their crust-laden bods. One of them flips on The Discovery Channel – or a channel that falls within the same vein – and the next half hour or so is spent watching the history of man at the caveman stage, and no, it wasn’t a GEICO add. Still, that’s quite some irony; seven dudes who wreak watching cavemen travel in groups through the forest, searching for basic necessities. I wonder if they smell the same?

Dudefest, Day 2

Didn’t I mention we love being fashionably late? Well good, because once again the BMA staff didn’t get to the venue until right before Gaza was set to play, about 4 p.m. After some minor difficulties getting in, we managed to infiltrate the building roughly one song into Gaza’s set.

We weren’t too sure who we missed, but it wasn’t a big deal. I don’t think too many kids cared either. “Who was that?” a girl asked her fellow Dudefest buddy about the band in the slot before Gaza. “I don’t know. The shitty band before Gaza?” the guy replied.

I think it’s safe to say Gaza pretty much owned that stage, kicked it in the teeth and even mopped the floor with the remaining carcass. Pullin’ kids up from the audience left and right, Gaza vocalist Jon almost managed to blend into the fevered, swarming mass, which is hard to do for a guy with enough height he could give LeBron James a run for his money.

Fuck all y’all cankles

I’m not sure which was more amazing: the amount of cankles I saw at Dudefest, or my first time seeing Lords live -- I’m leaning toward Lords.

The description of Lords live will fast forward, since I think at this point the day’s heat damaged my long term memory capacity, just picture awesomeness in your head.

Slip n’ sliding and beer shotgunning, holy wet underpants!

Despite what you may assume by reading the preceding header, we didn’t visit any of Indianapolis’ fine stripping establishments – But Luke from Gaza managed to end up in his underwear for roughly 85 percent of the day.

Basically, someone set up a Slip n’ Slide in the back of the Emerson Theater and Luke thought it would be an amazing idea to shotgun a beer in his skivvies, all while sliding in the mosquito infested, murky waters of the rubber slide. Not only did we discover Luke has to hold the record for shot-gunning beer under 30 seconds, but also the unfortunate details of Luke’s boxer briefs having more ass-area holes than Paris Hilton’s brain from taking “E.”

Here’s a few other minor details I discovered after Lords and before Pig Destroyer:

• I’ve spent two days enjoying a lunch of mini gummy burgers, tootsie rolls and candy fries – hello diabetes

• The_Network drummer Tim and I share the same birthday, New Years Day. Yes, we’d like a fucking cookie.

• Bennett’s beard holds many secrets, other than food and dried alcohol from a week ago.

Who the fuck brought a dinosaur to the party?

Saturday’s Dudefest was sort of like SeaWorld, or any zoo for that matter. An inflatable dolphin and a gigantic stuffed dinosaur were enough to make anyone feel like they were on the set of Fear and Loathing: Indianapolis. But even more so, when people started riding the inanimate animals instead of directly crowd surfing, I began to question when I’d start seeing unicorns and Neil Patrick Harris. Kids rode this soon-to-be-fossil like there was no tomorrow, with smiles on their faces that can be best described as creepy.

A group of people were watching up on the side of the stage, while I preferred the lower area next to the stage. I look up and see Luke and Casey from Gaza to my right. I take a second glance about five seconds later and Luke’s in his underwear, again. He doesn’t put his pants back on until several half-naked crowd surfs later.

Overall, Pig Destroyer killed and everyone knew it, even without the band’s samples working. As epic as this performance was, I’m not sure even the brontosaurus that everyone in the crowd copped a feel on beat the mayhem at Zanie’s Too.

Bloody kisses, nah, more like bloody faces

A brief rundown on the actual performances I saw:

• Suicide Note, fabulous.

• Sweet Cobra, fucking awesome, as expected.

I know what you’re thinking. “You went to Dudefest and only watched a handful of bands?” Well first, fuck you. Second, if you were witnessing the amazing craziness and straight up comedy I was, you’d think twice about hastening your hearing impairment as well.

During the hangsesh we had with Mitch from Dance Club Massacre, half of the_Network and random members of Gaza, a grip of random shit happened within the matter of three hours:

1. The_Network vocalist Mike celebrated being one year closer to being a member of AARP.
2. The_Network guitarist Kevin knocked the fuck out before midnight.

And last, but not least, Luke from Gaza plummeted on the pavement, resulting in a half swollen, bloody face and me embracing my inner motherly instincts. A wad of toilet paper still wasn’t enough to cleanse Luke’s bloody face and arms (which were bloody from him wiping his own face). But the dude was a trooper. Despite looking like Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face from a past horrendous version of Batman, Luke managed to give a slowed version of Gaza’s adopted finger snap, thing – just like P. Diddy, he can’t stop, won’t stop.

Up next, day 3..

-Sheena, BMA Publicity Assistant